Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
