Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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