i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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