god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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