Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
