I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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