I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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