I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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