so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
