I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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