life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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