next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
