ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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