If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
