Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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