i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
