Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
