I'm really into asian looking animals
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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