I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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