It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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