If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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