I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
as a side note pls kill me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
