whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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