hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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