Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
