In America we eat man semen.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
