return my video game
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
