one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
