I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
