Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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