I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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