i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
