Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize