A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
