Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
