Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize