I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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