I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
