i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
