He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
