i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
