What did we do last night that was yellow?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
