I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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