hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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