So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
