last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
