Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
