If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
