Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
