Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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