Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
