Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
