Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
