No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize