Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
