I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
