I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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