I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
