Ketchup is God's man juice
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
