I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just pee around me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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