We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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